Choices

Was just thinking that every day we are faced with so many choices . And I never used to be one to give much thought to some of these . I guess because I was always running around like a chicken with its head off haha... Now that I have more time, I'm giving more attention to how I actually go about 'making' decisions - how my days unfold and what patterns I'm seeing. I was saying last night to my teammate Heather, that I've never done as much introspection as I do now as a Coach. And not to say I wasn't doing some before - I was a product of the Life Development Center, of course, and always had a love of spirituality and psychology, but something about being an entrepreneur and knowing I am either going to succeed or fail at my own hand, drives me more to want to be the best I can. When you work for someone else, there's perhaps a comfort cushion to rest on, assuming all things equal, that you can not self develop and your company or establishment will still welcome you back the next day with a pat. But in business, your resonance is unrestrained. It is just oozing off of you daily and it affects everything - from family, self to everyone you touch with your products so you get only daily shots to get it right  . make every investment count! 

Recovery from Bulimia and Anorexia

Feeling worthless for me was called Anorexia and Bulimia. I had both, in sick combo. I remember where I was when I took my last purge: in Canada, August, when I was 21. The shower was typically where I would like to do it, just another way of being alone. I watched half-digested food circle in the drain, and I knew that was it. 

I don't know why I didn't value myself. Growing up, I had several cherished friends, great parents, but I generally felt uncomfortable, and fearful. Being an abnormally tall girl with a speech impediment didn't exactly help self-esteem. You'll see what you 'want' to see, but that photo on the right is a very troubled young woman. Paper-doll arms with a big head. Even though I stopped bulimia, I continued to never enjoy food right up until my mid-30s. It was always something to be suspicious of, analyzed, dissected, or dominated. 

"Recovery" means you are always checking the demon in the shadows. It's sad that one of the first thoughts that went through my mind when my coach suggested "I" become a coach was "I didn't lose enough. They'll just say I was skinny before." 

Well, guess what? I've had dozens say that since! It doesn't phase me. I laugh off every ridiculous judgement made about me and other non-obese women I have helped learn to eat and be "strong". 

I coach everyone, but there is a special place in my heart for those who come to me with serious food addictions or histories. For them small victories are getting a shake down, swallowing a certain texture food, taking a selfie of their bodies, or getting through just ONE day without binging. 

I see you. You're the person thinking "they'll wonder why I want to become a member." No, I won't. Because that unhealthy, unfit, unworthy, unenjoyable woman is living FULL OUT on the left, and I won't be silent anymore. I am gonna stand tall beside you! #nomorefear #fullout #strongisthenewskinny #dontjudge 

Signs of responsibility

It's one of those uncomfortable, do-we-really-have-to-talk-about-it topics; it's messy; it's time consuming; it's not fun. It makes you feel your age. But doing a health care proxy, POA, and a will is being responsible and showing your love for your children, making their future secure. It's respect for your self and spouse. Happy to say we are resting easy now. And no joke as we went to sign, we first happened to look across the parking lot. There was a white Buick exactly like my mother's. It was a little too shady to see clearly who was in it - or whether it was in fact occupied, but Dmitri said 'It's your Mom. She is sitting, waiting to make sure all is ok.' 

Memories come at the weirdest times

Was at the Library the other day getting a book for my daughter. There was someone new working - probably a summer intern. She had to look up our information using our home number. My home number is now the same as the house I grew up since I moved back into it. 

She said 'Regina?' 

Can't tell you how fast a lump materialized out of nowhere in my throat. Thought I could choke on my own spit. A minute before I was perfectly fine. I had to say that, yes, that's us, but that my mother had died in December. 

She eventually found me and my husband in the system. But then she said something about shutting down my mom's account, since it had been inactive from about 2012.

 I felt like an ass, but I just stood there frozen. I wanted to let the words spill out of 'please, don't cancel the account'. I felt that if she canceled it, it would then be real. How could she not walk in here again? She loved the library so much. She was a Literacy Volunteer. My mom who had the balls to write to William Safire, the great grammarian and challenge something he printed once. Did you know he sent her a handwritten response.  I guess she was 'that' kind of lady. One whose library card never expires. 

All I could do was nod. 

Dump the shame now!

I'm not at all shocked by the amount of shame I see many of my clients attach to their lives. Everyone's worried about being judged. Misuse of food is just the tip of a deep iceberg. Coaches are the least judgmental. We've been there.  If you want to talk 'shame', you're gonna have to get in line:

I grew up a stutterer. This is a picture of my childhood friend Stephanie. I'll never forget watching her walk down the hall at school and wanting to call out to her, but I couldn't. I had to let her walk on. I cried because that day for whatever reason complex onsets just weren't happening. Next day it could be that 'n' wouldn't come, or perhaps 'b'. If it was a good day, I could order at a restaurant myself. Bad day? My parents had to order FOR me. How shameful is circumventing the word you want to say because you can't? Hating the telephone. Never trying out for theater. Only raising my hand in class 'if' it was a 'good syllable' day. All those thoughts unsaid. 

Then why on earth become a professor? An interpreter? Talk about 'on stage'!

After years of therapy, I decided no more hiding. I was not gonna let my mouth be my prison. 

So please: dump the shame now. Speak. For your SELF. No one else will. 

Why don't we deserve good?

I've always had a hard time 'rewarding' myself. Whenever I got recognized for something public-professional, I would want to get it over with quickly, and just go back to my toil. 

Give me the plaque...Thank you for the cake...Now can we go? Kind of a 'put your nose down and work' mentality.  Modesty and humility at all times. 

Don't misinterpret: there's merit in that. I'm somebody who gets the job done. And yes, the introvert sometimes leads a life of 'quiet desperation. '

So I've identified that it's in my nature to love the struggle. Toiling is 'safe'. I still get very uncomfortable having someone be good to me or being good to myself. I'll sacrifice so someone else can get a shirt, or I'll skip the <fill in> for dinner if someone else can enjoy it, if we don't have enough to go around -that sort of behavior. It's something I want to change. 

(And yes, these sports clothes I bought for myself, and I'm not returning them. I'm going to enjoy wearing them doing what I love) #mindset #knowyourself #treat4me

Who's really derailing you?

Don't be this girl. Please. I got news of a very ugly nature this week, and this Jedi is gonna have to dig deep once again (Will I ever get a break?) . I sat for about 30 minutes today quietly then happened to be texting with a member of my fitness group Beat the Boss . I want to speak to all of you to remind you that stressors are going to continually come up. Life is going to keep throwing them at you. If one thing this program has taught me, it is to re-focus, to fall back on exercise and fueling up my body clean, so that I'm 'well prepared'. If you let every little crisis grab you, and you inhale half the fridge or miss your shake, or stop exercising because of it, then you're not really loving yourself, are you? You're getting in your own way. You're derailing YOU. Today I just embraced the fear instead of fighting it. I sat and took stock of all my groups, my kids, my team, my husband and I just keep saying to myself 'I am only moving forward.' Only YOU are stopping you

Half Full or Half Empty?

Last Saturday I was in Peconic Bay Medical Center for my CPR/AED course. Some of us had arrived early and got seated to receive our materials. I was really excited to be doing this class and to meet some new people while at it. I came in, shook hands, smiled, struck up a short conversation with a woman who was here because just as recently as March, her father had fell over in the yard and she had tried to administer chest compressions without success. She wanted to do better next time if she was called upon to save someone. How valiant ❤️.

There was another woman with a seriously sour expression on her face. Apparently she had not gotten the message that the course was going to start at 9:00am instead of 8:00am. She continued on about how inconvenient this was and how she had been sitting here waiting with nothing to do for over an hour. The nurse was apologetic, but she just barreled ahead with how the hospital should have this... Or should have that... And reiterated how she only got the notification at such and such time...You could tell the nurse really felt bad, but wanted to get past this. 

I'm using this as a case in point. There was a time in my life where I could have easily been 'that' sour faced complainer, looking at the glass half empty, putting a negative spin, pointing out how so-and-so didn't do their job right, just enjoying being miserable. Those days are gone. 

You would be amazed how entering a situation with a smile, looking at crisis or inconvenience as an "opportunity" can be rewarding to your soul. She missed the chance to learn this lady's story, to see her goodness, to be 'open' to making a new acquaintance in that extra hour she was given by mistake. 

We exchanged business cards and hope to keep in touch... Regardless, we listened and we learned. #breadcrumbs #beopen #followyourSELF #attitudeiseverything 

Jedi Chronicles Day 7-9

What does it mean to be courageous? 

There's nothing wrong with being a cautious individual.  There is a classic saying: "men plan and G-d laughs." My parents taught me that planning carefully is wise and in fact helps you be prepared for bumps in the road. The road blocks will always come. It's simply a matter of seeing that being blocked is only a temporary rest to let you reflect to build a better strategy out! 

I don't want people reading this to get the idea that caution, or lack thereof, has to be equated to being courageous. These are two separate qualities. I'm someone who drives cautiously. It takes me a long time typically to 'shift' gears in my life path. But when I do shift, I do it hard. You might ask 'what makes you do that?' Looking back I've taken action in this manner very similarly. When I smoked in my early 20s, I eventually  learned that it was illogical for someone with asthma to smoke. How can you take a inhaler shot before you take a drag? Well, that right there seemed illogical to me. I decided to leave smoking to my friends who didn't have asthma. They could smoke enough for the two of us. But I didn't sign up for a pill or a patch, I said 'I need to do it myself so I can say 'I' did it." I didn't want to be beholden to someone or something.  

When I struggled with bulimia in my 20s too, I remember vividly standing in the shower vomiting and something came over me. I said again 'this makes no sense' . 'Why am I standing here?' That was the last day I did it. I fought with tenacity. But it came from asking questions. Somehow it stems from accepting what is imminently wrong with the situation and staring at it just to see if it makes sense. Then the second aspect is knowing if 'I' can do it, I won't have to let someone else take control. Some professional out there I suppose could say that wanting that level of control could be negative too, but I'll argue that it's the lesser of the two evils. If I had not taken that moment to let the feeling wash over me completely and seen either the logic or illogicality of it, my inertia or comfort level would simply have kept me in the same state. 

So back to courage. 

Courage is a choice obviously. I don't believe it has to be inherent. I have seen friends build it, grow into it. It does not mean you are without fear. It's in fact the opposite. Courage is when you ARE afraid, but you push through regardless. . It means to show strength even during great pain or grief. You don't have to shed the fear. You can wear it without shame. We are all afraid. 

We are afraid of being judged. 

We are afraid of failing.

We are afraid of being rejected. 

We are afraid of having pain.

We are afraid of losing comfort. 

We are afraid of making a mistake. 

We are afraid of disappointing others. 

But if you examine more closely all of these above, they still come down to the same source: fear of pain (physical or psychological) 

In my own situation I was faced with pain. I'm still in pain now. I am afraid now. But I opted to take my fear with me on the journey. 

I buried my mother. I was faced with not having enough money to support keeping the roof over my family and basics in their lifestyle. I was faced with impending health issues and a feeling of despair and ugliness in my 'being'. I don't mean physical ugliness, but actual violence potential - violence of the body and mind. My own destructive natural force. Whether you shovel food down, or cigarettes, or money, or whatever your destruction of choice is, you still are running from the fear of pain. 

So when I say courage is not inherent, I mean that wholeheartedly. 

These days I am choosing a natural healthy pain to 'embrace' and focus on, something that fills me with purpose and clarity. 

When I shout out to others to come join me, I am asking you to evaluate the logic or illogicality of your current state. I'm asking you to take your pain and keep it, but move forward. I'm not interested in perfect beings. I want someone who can fail and show me how, so I perhaps won't go that same route. I want all the vulnerability. I want to embrace all your wrongdoings and for you to do the same for me. I'm asking for you to show me that fear, so I can show you mine. 

That is how courage works in this business of living. 

Jedi Chronicles Day 1-4

Day 1-4 of the Rest of My New Life:

Let me start by saying it was a surreal moment when I arrived to the ferry and realized I was truly 'home'. I envisioned my parents waiting at the door as they used to, either waving goodbye when I would depart or coming out to the stoop when I had arrived. That was the moment the tears came. It was an overwhelming emotion: they would not physically be there, just in spirit. Their spirits certainly are strong when I'm there. I feel it in the warmth and well wishes of friends and neighbors. I feel it when I stand and prepare meals at the same counter my mother did. She called it 'paradise', and had told me she never regretted a moment when she left her job to move out to the island. 

Today I had my friend over who sat and read excerpts from a book he is writing. It's a lost art: reading to someone. He was also one who cared for my mother for a long time when she was declining. He said that I 'sounded like <my> mother' when I spoke. I took that as a compliment . My mother had a wonderful voice; she was strong-willed, but soft spoken, very feminine when you heard her over the phone, but she could deck you if she so chose! 

It's taken me a few days to adjust to being at home with the kids, organizing my day: planning how I want to do my workout, checking in with my clients, finding fun time with the kids, preparing healthy meals, staying in touch with my coaches, working on my AFAA certification course, reading my personal development...building my business...

I do feel enormous joy working from home. I am waking up with so much promise to the day. I set up a 'home office' using my grandmother's antique fold-out desk. 

It's not without its challenges. Today I had to tell my daughter she couldn't get something in town because there literally wasn't any money in our account. I used money a friend owed me and a gift certificate to buy food. We'll get paid next Friday, so sometimes it'll be tight. Honestly it's giving me a kick in the butt to stay laser focussed on what I need to do and to remember to have faith and keep giving back. When I have done that,  I find the universe pays me back two-fold. 

I'm enjoying also reconnecting with those in my community-like returning to a larger "family". I've already had an epic fail with my fireplace, since I realized all the wood is not seasoned. Duh! We have a lot, but we weren't there often enough to remember to get the wood off the ground and covered, so my husband and I have our work cut out for us. My neighbor was kind enough to share some split logs and kindling for at least one or two days. 

I'm getting used to keeping the temperature down so we save money on oil. We're just throwing on extra sweaters :) I am grateful to NOT have a hot living room any longer for working out. That used to drive me nuts in the city because we had no control over the heat. It's such a difference being able to sweat and stay cooled. I'm finding my workouts are going much better. I'm maxing out at a later time. 

I'm getting back to my roots in cooking as well. I've started making my own bread, humus, guacamole, almond milk, and excited to see what will be on my menu next week. 

In just 4 days of eating clean and balanced (before life got crazy with moving and work) I'm feeling amazing! I dropped just a few pesky pounds I had gained from grazing over the stress of packing up the city apartment. I am still astounded at how the program helps me stay connected to my SELF- how it steadies me, and even when I fall off it's simplistic beauty is right there waiting. There are no proper words to do it justice. 

My daughter said today 'I love being home with you. Can we stay together forever?'

'Yes, we can.' 

~Jedi 

Budgeting Time

One of the things I'm struggling with this week is budgeting time. If I focus attention 15 min here, 5 min there, 20 min elsewhere, I actually feel more exhausted. Who can't relate? See, no hands went up! 

This has been a struggle for me in general recently.  I am passionate about what I do. And when that fire in my belly starts, all I want to do is shut the world out and do what I need to do. It's never a case of my 'not' knowing what needs to get accomplished. That part is easy! I just write it down. It's the getting over that initial crunch, that groaning-uncomfortable-I-don't-want-to-be-here-in-this-moment feeling and subsequently getting discouraged when it's still on my bullet list from last week. That just makes me insane. 

Charlene Johnson has said 'You are only in competition with yourself.' I feel that to be true. I know I'm squandering precious minutes and could cut that way back by doing a power hour. But at least in my current situation I have not been able to be consistent with it. The organizational skills are there lying beneath the surface waiting to come out, much like abs trying to peek out from that outer layer of fat. 

I was listening this morning to some personal development podcasts and one in particular spoke of the importance of removing distractors! Yes, even this Blog is one. Facebook is worse, obviously because it takes time and effort to manipulate the controls of the newsfeed and notifications, and words/ads/photos are continually spilling over to you. 

So we all might want to consider waiting to turn those phones on, and do our reading first thing in the morning. Or in my case it's that I walk my dog and tune in before I start my day. At that point the cell phone is otherwise occupied with a podcast. 

In other words examine how you slice up the day. Maybe there's room for redirection. 

Writing it down solidifies it, just like my clients write out their meal plans each day. I firmly believe once something goes in writing, it's binding :)

When April 1 rolls around, I'll be honing in on that "power hour" to see how channeling my energies works out. Stay tuned. 

~Jedi 

When You Balance

"Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away." ~Barbara de Angelis

 

 

I think it's important to be aware of signals your body is giving you. Feelings can be overwhelming. I know for me the pressures of my day job are driving me to make poor food choices - things I know are not a good investment. Why do I keep doing this? It's because I am not listening to my SELF. When you find that you are out of balance, put a foot down. Feel the security of the earth beneath you. You might be wobbly - that's ok.

 

This morning I listened intently and realized I needed to start the day off with something better: green tea.  Simple!

 

Then I picked my foot up again to sprint.

When You Can Be Successful

Sometimes a friend reaches out to me to ask how can they stick to an exercise and eating program under all the 'stress' they have. Who hasn't been in a similar situation? I experienced it with my mother being sick on top of working a 9-5 job and caring for my family. 

But everyone, honestly, has a story like this. There is nothing unique about mine or the person who asks me, or even your own story. 

I've come to the realization that when you accept the fact that there is NO perfectly-stress-free- time-frame, where all will work in your favor, and the universe will align, so you can kill it at your program, only then will you be successful.

When you "embrace " the program as a part of you: the ONLY thing that will sustain you under the WORST of situations , then you can view it as a friend, a companion, something to steady you. Then you can and WILL handle everything. 

The key is to embrace it- let it fill you in the WORST of times. Not waiting. Not hoping.

Second, your family has to be made to understand: this is your sanity. It is not a temporary state. It will not be going away. It will be at the top of your list. Enlist their help: no matter how young, how absent, how busy, how ignorant. 

You have to stand your ground and share it with them. It should not be 'oh yea (s)he does that thing - that eating and exercise '. It should be 'this is my (wife/mom/husband/dad) and this is her/his life. - it's important to him/her and I will help her/him make it'. That is what the atmosphere has to be in your household.  Make it happen,  my friends. Show support and share. 

~Jedi

Let It Be A Beacon

I was communicating this evening to my fitness group. I've got 40 people in that group which does blow my mind! I remember when I started it with just a handful. 

My last post this evening to my team was to remind them of why the accountability group is a safe place. It's a place to get it all out, with no judgements, no comparing, no ridicule. The person who jumps back in after being AWOL for 2 days or 2 months, the person who announces or doesn't, it is all equal to me. 

I reminded them that they can jump back in like it was day 1 and we would still gather around them regardless because we are all worthy of support. 

There's no perfectionism in my groups. There's a common bond though- and that's what I make my groups hold to. I firmly believe in...

👌no going to the dark side

👌no pity parties

👌no judgements

👌respect

👌love of your SELF

Some of us have life getting in the way. It's ok. I'm asking you to consider 'embracing' exercise and balanced eating full force EXACTLY when it's that bad- that busy. That is the time you'll need it. 

When my mother was in hospice dying I was in the parking lot screaming out loud, with the windows rolled up tight, to my dead father to please end this. Please give me a sign. 

Why was I in the car? I was mixing a packet of my shake in my tumbler with water . My hands were shaking. I had my veggies and humus on the passenger seat. This was all I f--n had, but I was hanging on by my fingernails- I just kept saying to myself : "hold onto this"..."don't lose this". I dug deep instead of forfeiting it all, instead of waiting for a better perfect time that you and I both know does not exist. That is what this program gave me: an anchor, a beacon in the worse of waves, a safe harbor. Drop it and ride it out. Let it be a companion, a base and it will lead you through the worst of times. 

Dig deep. Look for that beacon. 

(This picture I posted to my own fitness group just as I was sitting in the car - mom died 7 hrs later). 

When You're Stopped

There will undoubtedly come a time where your health throws you a curve. Since I started my exercise program of 6 days per week back in October, the most I've missed is 2 consecutive days. In fact, it makes me crazy thinking about not working out. This makes me want to truly laugh out loud because the better sense - my logical side-  says 'it will all be ok'. Taking a few days off is not going to break me. But I'm so dedicated now that I can't imagine life without it. The morning routine, my headphones on and listening to podcasts fuels my mornings, followed by my exercise. 

But can you believe I wasn't like this 6-8 months ago. I never could have maintained 6 days a week routine. I could barely pull 1 day and I would often find an excuse just for that one. 

Isn't it amazing how our bodies want to go into homeostasis- it doesn't like to be awakened. But once it is, it's a case of 'get out of my way'. 

It's hard getting started, but it's also hard being told to "stop". For those of you out there who maybe suffered an injury or an illness, or as me, got sidelined because of a colonoscopy, trust that the time can be used wisely to reflect on what you 'have' done up until now, the lives you've influenced including your own. I was blown away by how many of my clients said they were doing double workouts: one for them and one for the one I couldn't do . Now 'that' is one cool gesture. Isn't it? 

Be grateful today and reflect. 

~Jedi 

Letting Go

This has been a week of 'firsts' for me. We all reminisce about our first attempts in life: our first time living away from home, first time Dad or Mom let go of the bike, our first touch or kiss, our first child, our first day at work. 

Yesterday I announced when my "last day" at work would be. As I write this sentence, it's difficult to express the bundled knot of emotions this is. I am on the cusp of 10 years with them. They have been a strong, tenacious thread throughout many other upheavals in my life. They are composed of admirable, dedicated professionals, who are like family to me. They have a noble mission and everything from craft to product displays that commitment. 

So why am I leaving the mission? Because I have one that is greater calling me. My children will never be able to accuse me of slacking off. Ironically it's quite the opposite. Some of them may find fault with how 'driven' I was professionally. They'll understand that it came from my parents who had strong work ethic. My dad was always hustling, holding side work even with a full time job. I was taught to look out for those who can't themselves. My father was an activist; he led a cause to protect citizens from nuclear fall out. He believed that injustice was something you fought against. His mitzvahs were many. So I hope my older children will accept that I bore the weight when others couldn't. 

Now the universe opened up to me, perhaps a gratitude gesture for my sore shoulders. I was given a chance to be with my children. Not just 7-8am, and 6-9pm, but all day long if I so choose. I choose my family. We only get so many chances. 

My friend Dr Flo Rosof, Director of the Life Development Center of Huntington, NY, of which I'm a product, says 'The only way out is through.' This week was the hardest to push through because it meant saying goodbye to one life, and opening up to another. But isn't courage being afraid, yet pushing through regardless. 

This week was a first of many:

I received the best bill of health I have ever gotten. My blood pressure was at a record low for me. I had made a new friend in fitness, a family man who is passionate about his health and others, and he joined my team. I embarked on a new fitness program, and I'm laughing and having fun in the mornings. I am feeling proud and grateful to my loving husband who was courageous in his own way. He braved a new country and a foreign language, and the Atlantic Ocean to commit to me. And now I will take care of our children better for him. I helped a record number of men and women this month of February. I had my first Deaf challenger in my monthly free health group! It was my first time writing 'self employed' on a form. 

Dad has let go of the bike and I am flying on my own now. 

~Jedi 

Go Back to Your Core

Go back to your core beliefs. You need to cheer for YOU. Beliefs are the key to unlocking all of our dreams. When you get an inspiration of what your life 'could be', you go to your beliefs first typically, and you can see what is stopping you. You can design your life in order to achieve greatness. You can change your beliefs , or you can get back to them to shape your program, that will serve you well. See what your beliefs are? Can you write them down? If it's not suited to you any longer, replace it with something better! 

~Jedi

What is your LEGACY?

Blog Feb 24

This morning I was recalling the first week I started my healthy eating and exercise program. I'm gonna let it all hang out (as it was by the way!) and share some of those thoughts.

It's been said, "Confusion is what happens just before you understand." That is how I was the first few days I was doing PiYo and 21 Day Fix. 

My coach told me to read over my booklet, but did I do it ? No! I didn't even understand that the PiYo package had a calendar, and I was supposed to follow that. I flew by the seat of my pants those first days, grabbing some meal ideas from my friends who were on it in the group, and probably IMed my coach several times that week. 

But the good news is that by asking lots of questions in my group, I learned! I expanded my arsenal. I finally figured out the benefit of writing down my meals, and using the Beachbody website as a source for interesting meals too. 

I enjoyed seeing my fitness friends (new and old) accomplishing their mini-goals. I clung to those pictures. I clapped. I hooted when someone announced they had broken their plateau. I cheered when they had dropped their 1st five pounds or that 1st inch, or even a milestone of 60 lbs, or 100. 

I had no expectation going in. In fact I "assumed" it would not work, but I had nothing to lose. And heck, I'm innately social. I was banking on a miracle. 

All I knew was that I decided I was tired of worrying about my thyroid. I was exhausted from stress.  I was sick of feeling bloated and getting nowhere. My stomach has seriously been bloated probably my whole life. My mother always had it too. I just assumed it was some hereditary issue. I had so many pants that were getting tight and looked 'silly'. Who wants to wear a big sweater, so you can hide the unbuttoned button or undone snap?

I was falling asleep midday and slamming coffees with half and half. I'd try eating salads for a few days, but then I'd eat a huge pasta Alfredo. My husband and I would pop chocolate in the evening after dinner. I'd drink water every once in a while, but not nearly as much as I do now.  We'd have wine on the weekend. Neither of us were really working out. He'd go mountain biking once a month. Ok, so? 

He had a gym membership that he used 4 times in one year. I was doing yoga 1 day a week for 1 hour. That's it. I could barely squeeze that it. I enjoyed it, but it wasn't necessarily 'helping' me to feel healthy or drop this weight. It did calm me a little for work on the day I did it, so I hung onto it. 

No matter what I did I didn't drop a single pound. 4 years after having my daughter, same weight post breastfeeding. Not "overweight," surely. But not toned, not healthy, not solid, not slim. Just 'not overweight' and fortunately 'tall'.

In fact when I hit 40, as the books would predict, maniacal laugh, I saw a few pounds even go up. Then I just said "$&@? This must be how it happens. This is what my mother used to say." Keep in mind my mother was always overweight. At her worst she was about 250, and had to shop in the larger section for full-bodied women (her phrase).

So one day this Sept when I realized I would not have my mother anymore in the future, (I sensed the end was coming), I just said to myself:

 "Do you want to gamble?" 

"Will you just be complacent and let either Parkinson's or perhaps colon cancer take you at some point"? "Will you be ok with leaving behind to your children just an ordinary history?" 

"Will they eat unhealthy?" 

"Who will guide them?" 

"What kind of model are you?" 

"What is your legacy beyond your 'work'?" 

That's right. I'm successful already. I've achieved so much professionally, but that pales in comparison to my health. Wouldn't you agree? 

My mom is gone. I want to leave a health legacy. A 'me' who is around for a long time, so I decided to take a leap and change it. 

And so began my week #1 of confusion before I understood :)

Sink Your Teeth In

I was forced to create a 'personal mantra' and a 'power phrase' in my course I'm taking with fitness leader Chalene Johnson. I thought I was done with homework, but maybe not!

I found this exercise very helpful though because it can be my go-to-reminder when things are getting rough in my life. 

I'm going to share mine, but then I encourage you to create your own. It has to be uniquely yours, and should not be too long. The power phrase is just that - a phrase. 

(you might recognize portions of this from my PiYo Jedi business page)

"Go where my SELF takes me. Trust the gifts the universe gave me.  Share carefully, but generously. Remember my roots, but stretch even higher."

Power phrase: 

"Sink your teeth in."

When I was a little girl, I was passionate about things. I had a knack for seeing things through. I loved starting a project and then giving it my best. I have no idea where this came from. Maybe it's in my blood! But my father always said 'when you sink your teeth in, you sure don't let go, do you'. 

I need a reminder when negative thoughts are getting in the way, and life is trying to derail me from what I need to get done for my dreams, that I need to 'sink my teeth in,' with that same tenacity my Dad remarked on. 

What's yours?

Tall Girls Carry It Well

Tall Girl Fitness

You've heard it all:

'You're so tall and beautiful' (by the way, notice how the 'tall' adjective always comes first)

'Did you play basketball in school?' (Nope, can't dribble to save my life)

'You carry yourself so well' (As opposed to what? Did you expect me to be bent over from the weight?) 

'You must be able to reach things easily?' (Yea, like that 2 year old matzoh hidden in the upper reaches of our kitchen cabinets)

'Is your husband tall too'? (No, I decided to marry a little person)

'That's not fair, you have more plank leverage ' (in regards to working out- yea, but you can crunch better with your tiny torso!)

'Are you a model?' (No, but I play one on TV?')

'How do you find shoes?' (You don't; can you say #catalogshopwhore

Here are some of the issues I've encountered with being a fit tall one:

I love how when I show my before and after picture to people they are impressed and happy for me of course, but then there's always that one person who asks 'Why did you lose weight? You were thin before.' 

I feel like responding 'yes when you're the size of an Amazon, you tend to take up more space vertically, so your eye focuses on that - it's like one of those Las Vegas illusionist shows. ' 

If you stick a tall 40 year old 15-20 lb overweight women next to a tiny 40 year old 5' 0" 20 lb overweight woman, the pixie will be able to get away with far less! Sorry ladies. 

Maybe that's what they meant by saying 'you carry yourself well' but it should be you carry your BODY FAT well. Can you imagine someone saying that? 

Also at my height who's able to see my shaking, undeveloped biceps anyway. You can't even see my little breasts which are desperately saying 'no, no weight loss please!!' You're only at the level of staring straight ahead into my soft ab-less torso. 

All I had to do was throw on some tight size 12 jeans and hide the unbuttoned button/zipper with a lose fitted shirt, and throw on some heels and dang, all they saw was LEG. Take a pixie with cottage cheese legs and stretch her out like on stilts and see what you get ! Illusionist! 

So yes, tall overweight girls have it in the bag. Oh, we work those tricks because we have the advantage of always looking down on you. 

But that doesn't change how we feel about ourselves confidence wise. 

Tall girls can't 'borrow' friends clothes when they gain OR lose weight. And then friends wonder why I saved all these outfits that didn't fit in hopes of getting back my 'high school body' back. One pant leg would be like a Capri - come on! 

My high school body . Ah! The 'only' aspect I loved about being tall and slender in school. Why?

Tall girls get picked last in gym class teams. 

Tall girls don't get asked to the prom

Tall girls have to always stand in the back

Tall girls don't try out for cheerleading (who can lift them?)

Tall girls can order at the bar though I guess, but that might explain the cottage cheese 20 years later! Darn. 

So in short when someone asks me why I lost weight I say 'because I grew tired of staring down at you.'

~Jedi

(P.S. That is my grandfather in the photo. Now you know where I get the 'verticality' from)

Growth From the Inside

Learning to be friendly

I would venture to guess that if I surveyed my friends, asking them if they judged me to be a warm, friendly person or rather an unfriendly , withdrawn individual, they'd pick the former. Am I right friends? But then I pondered whether my behavior with those who already 'know' me is a worthy measure . How about those who don't know me yet ? A stranger on the subway, the person ahead of me on the checkout line, the elevator operator at my home subway station , or my new client who didn't get the privilege of growing up with me, who doesn't know a thing about me except for that I promise to deliver, to lead them to a healthier body and mind. 

Just to be transparent I am by nature an introvert. But I adore people. I just need to take it in doses and when I reach my maximum, those who know me well , know I will retreat to a quiet corner and 'think'. Oh I am the master introspection queen! That might explain how I survived my PhD program. 

I love to think, examine, ponder, create, and dream. I am the silent toiler. In for the long haul. I enjoy listening to others and gathering a gestalt view of who they are. Because I see the goodness in so many of those I encounter. At gatherings and parties, I don't mind being the ring master and gathering the troops , and I'll do that with flair, but then like a classic introvert , I need to rest and reflect. 

So back to how I 'appear' to others who do not yet know me. I have become very in tune with how much more frequently and with genuine warmth I have started to have conversations with people, to smile more, to inquire of others with no particular agenda at all, but to simply show care for another. I can actually 'feel' myself being more friendly and open. And I find this shocking because I assumed I was like this all the time. 

The master introspect-er has in fact met her match: me. 

I believe she has even learned to grow. The more open I become, the more I want to lead and to think this all started with just a small investment : the cost of little more than a month's worth of coffee and muffins . 

This morning I had a lovely conversation with a young man on the subway. He didn't know me. But I made him smile, rather than frown. 

~Jedi

Entitlement vs Investment

I'm going to comment about entitlement versus investment.

Those who have me already as a Coach know I talk often of 'investment'. Right from the beginning I explain to clients that regardless of which balanced eating option you choose in your package when you sign on, you're signing on to a new commitment, a new routine, a new mindset, but never a 'diet'. Never a 'quick fix' (and no pun intended on our most successful 21DayFix!).

 There is no speaking of 'I can't have --' or 'Can I eat?' 

If you think about it, we all have free will do choose and do as we see fit in that day. I never look ahead at a day and think about what I 'can't' have or do. I personally look at how I'm going to 'invest'. I want to invest my palate, my time, my pleasure in a food that will give me the most bang for my buck. I want my brain fed and my liver untaxed. Make sense? So the high fee, low interest rate these days is: SUGAR. 

Without boring you with all the negative effects of sugar, just go listen to any number of JJ Virgin's podcasts or simply google sugar effects on the internet (not to mention substantiated, academic/scientific research on it). I choose my investments wisely and some could argue that's why I'm more successful with my eating and exercise than another who is not considering their investment. 

 I also think understanding investment relates to how you view 'entitlement'. This idea that I should 'get something for free.' People complain about their company not giving them enough or the government not doing enough. And in fitness, perhaps the program not giving them enough. I listened to a podcast recently where the guest speaker asked listeners to consider adopting an 'attitude of gratitude.' 

Sometimes I get the question as to why programs cost. You have to invest in yourself and keep reinvesting . It takes sweat, time, and yes, some money. 

When I think back to my childhood and into adulthood, see many cases where I could have easily wished for a magic wand to give me the instant gratification. I didn't want to have to draw the outline, submit a proposal, do the warm-up, collect the twigs for the fire, go through the contractions before they brought that damn epidural, do the angst before the divorce, but without the struggle, without the progress I would have not known myself. I would not have felt accomplished. Frankly the magic abs don't interest me. Yes, I have no shame to say on some nights I commend myself on my good work at pushing myself, of making my goal because I depended on ME. I towed the line and I can reflect with pride and courage that I did it. 

I look at my grandparents and my parents - generations who toiled for often prolonged periods of no reward, yet they revealed in their success later. They had no support network in most cases; they depended on sheer will and trust and they 'bettered' themselves. My grandfather in fact told my mother and her brother (in German) when they were growing up, 'better yourself'. It was a key phrase in the family. 

Entitlement doesn't belong with investment. Investment is a trade- off that you do in the spirit of bettering yourself. When you know the roots came from you, not handed down to you for free, you stand taller on them. 

Invest. 

~ Jedi 

Endorphins for the Road

Meeting up with various people today in my daily workplace, at the local cafe, on the train, at the pharmacy, I couldn't help but notice a common theme: stress. 

Two at least responded 'It's going', when asked 'How's it going?' These were people who knew me by the way. Not strangers. So everyone is stressed. The guy at the cafe told me about how he starts his college assignments late at night after working until almost 10:00pm here. A colleague tells me they find their work space annoying. My friend says she can't find time to exercise and her son's fussy habits are testing her nerves. A business associate complains about the commute and poor infrastructure. Sprinkled in among the complaints are a few people - they happen to be clients of mine who are working various eating and exercise programs, the ones with scary names like P90x and PiYo. Sounds like a virus out of that Brad Pitt zombie movie, right? Now there's no science behind what I'm blogging here- pure anecdotal notation, and I'm not trying to convince you of anything this evening, just simply sharing one day's observation.

So this handful of clients of mine still mention things that could qualify as stressors, but they're talking about it with a smile on their face! Are they on drugs? In a sense - yes. It's called endorphins and a clean gut. 

They scheduled a workout, maybe all or some checked in with me, or someone, about getting it done , and they're pushing through the day on more than just coffee . I'm going to call this 'coping'. 

Here I was marveling at the attitude spectrum of these individuals who were facing stress, yet managing because they had stuck to a clean plate and gotten in some exercise during the day. And then I came to me. I had ended up with a smile on my face in the morning too. How this was is difficult to imagine. 

I'm sure you can commiserate with being a working professional, pounding the keyboard tray, talking on the phone, sitting with your back rounded, maybe not even getting up to eat or take breaks properly

. 

Can you remember a day that was so stressful you thought you couldn't withstand another moment? That you could barely get a proper breathe in? A day where it took every molecule of chutzpah left running through that beat up shell of a bean counter to get to work?

I was one of these happy idiots as you might call it - smiling and cheerfully greeting people I knew in the morning, talking as I did on the way. I even started envisioning a positive conversation before it ever occurred! I had survived the night before, one of intense emotional fire storm from what I'll term the ' dark side' - the energy vampires, another colleague calls these 'bank robbers' .

I still turn to my body in the morning, I face towards what I know, what I can do. I can plank, grunt, throw a punch, squat, sweat, split, sprint, jump, and I can eat right. I can fuel up and do another round. But not sleepwalking through the day. I'm still shell- shocked from the night's conflict before, but the beauty of home base in the morning, it's enough to give you goose bumps. I know now it's love of yourself. It's leaning on yourself. It's getting intoxicated in your own analgesics. The perception of pain is lessened. 

Love in the solitude of your workout room. Endorphins for the road.

Why everyone wants to 'beat the Boss'

From the desk of Jedi

This last challenge group I organized and led in December of 2014, "Fitness Rebels" left me inspired and positive as I stepped foot into 2015. 
Not only did I create a dream board of how I want to grow as a coach, but I envisioned "mini-dream boards" for each of the people I help to tone up, lose weight, feel confident, learn healthy habits, become models of their own. I pictured conversations, photos, triumphs, laughs, goofiness and play, set-backs, and pain. 

This is why change takes a "village", a mission, a commitment to failure, in order to build back up. No one should walk alone. And you won't.

My new Fitness Coaching group is called Beat the Boss, and started on Jan 2, 2015. It was launched on the premise that a Boss 'leads'. Since I was doing a new exercise program of which I was not experienced and assumed I would not excel in, I entrusted my challenge with my clients. I challenged them to get down on the floor with me, or perhaps just watch the Boss fail. Because after all who wouldn't enjoy watching their leader, their coach get silly, fail, maybe even succeed. Since then it has grown to include more women and men, and we are pushing each other onward and upward, into new fitness challenges. 


If you are interested to get a sneak peek at what my accountability group is like, message me and I am happy to have that conversation.

~Jedi

Start Fresh - Measure in Seconds

From the desk of Jedi: 

Each of us might come from a different background which has contributed to shaping our beliefs about food. Maybe a product of the 60s...70s...80s...90s. Each era had it's own ideas. 

Do you remember when you were made to drink castor oil? Avoid certain dyes in candy? Told that only fat free was good? Don't eat coconut? Egg yolks raise your cholesterol? That fruit and vegetables are in the same group? Non-GMOs...organic ... Shop your local farmer's market...Stop eating carbs... Veganism all the way... I could go on.

Our relationship with food is influenced from many sides. And our families played a hand as well: maybe we were told to finish our plate, that we were 'big-boned', that Mom finished off whatever we didn't eat, that we hurried to get to our next appointment, that your sister could get seconds, but not you, that salt was bad for Dad, that chips and soda are normal to get at a rest-stop, that you're a 'fatty'.

Whatever "tape" still plays in your head, I ask you to just consider this: today is the start of openness, of forgiveness, of a gentler you. 

Milestones are reached second by second. There's a new way to measure change. Yesterday I exercised and maxed out at 7:08. Today I made it to 9:52. I simply 'tried' and grew.

Change is measured in seconds, not leaps and bounds.