CIZE of your confidence

So here I am preparing for my new group fitness class in dance: CIZE

It starts next Monday. I know my heart is in it, I feel great when I'm in the middle of doing it, and my mission to help others slim down and gain confidence is always foremost in my mind. With that, I feel less nervous. Anytime you lead with goodness and honesty, you can't go wrong. There's a place for you. There is success and care coming your way because your intentions are based in love and concern. 

Like anyone, I've got those first-time jitters. Wondering will the equipment fail (like my Mac blows up, I forget some rhythm) I guess any of those things could happen, but I'll try to stack the deck against that of course! 

It's funny to remember Shaun T is July, muscular and such a 'large' presence in that auditorium teaching us...class #1...

What a terrific momento to put in your scrap book. Shaun T, so humble and sincere. You want to just reach out and hug the guy - his heart is so big. I remember the music, the original choreography from that day, our breakout groups, people in my class, my assistants...

I'm laughing still because seriously if someone had said to me: "Julie, a year from now you will not be sitting in your corporate office, you will be launching a class, and you will be leading others in a healthy lifestyle .." I don't know. Would I have thought they were on crack? Perhaps! Yea. 

It's been a year of growth in confidence for me. I've overcome so much too. Not that everyday isn't a struggle; my weakness is always my family and my intimate relationships. Somehow I can lead in so many other areas yet get all snared in the love twist. I guess that's the part I am still trying to unearth and refine. 

Always a work in progress. 

Recovery from Bulimia and Anorexia

Feeling worthless for me was called Anorexia and Bulimia. I had both, in sick combo. I remember where I was when I took my last purge: in Canada, August, when I was 21. The shower was typically where I would like to do it, just another way of being alone. I watched half-digested food circle in the drain, and I knew that was it. 

I don't know why I didn't value myself. Growing up, I had several cherished friends, great parents, but I generally felt uncomfortable, and fearful. Being an abnormally tall girl with a speech impediment didn't exactly help self-esteem. You'll see what you 'want' to see, but that photo on the right is a very troubled young woman. Paper-doll arms with a big head. Even though I stopped bulimia, I continued to never enjoy food right up until my mid-30s. It was always something to be suspicious of, analyzed, dissected, or dominated. 

"Recovery" means you are always checking the demon in the shadows. It's sad that one of the first thoughts that went through my mind when my coach suggested "I" become a coach was "I didn't lose enough. They'll just say I was skinny before." 

Well, guess what? I've had dozens say that since! It doesn't phase me. I laugh off every ridiculous judgement made about me and other non-obese women I have helped learn to eat and be "strong". 

I coach everyone, but there is a special place in my heart for those who come to me with serious food addictions or histories. For them small victories are getting a shake down, swallowing a certain texture food, taking a selfie of their bodies, or getting through just ONE day without binging. 

I see you. You're the person thinking "they'll wonder why I want to become a member." No, I won't. Because that unhealthy, unfit, unworthy, unenjoyable woman is living FULL OUT on the left, and I won't be silent anymore. I am gonna stand tall beside you! #nomorefear #fullout #strongisthenewskinny #dontjudge 

Jedi Chronicles Day 1-4

Day 1-4 of the Rest of My New Life:

Let me start by saying it was a surreal moment when I arrived to the ferry and realized I was truly 'home'. I envisioned my parents waiting at the door as they used to, either waving goodbye when I would depart or coming out to the stoop when I had arrived. That was the moment the tears came. It was an overwhelming emotion: they would not physically be there, just in spirit. Their spirits certainly are strong when I'm there. I feel it in the warmth and well wishes of friends and neighbors. I feel it when I stand and prepare meals at the same counter my mother did. She called it 'paradise', and had told me she never regretted a moment when she left her job to move out to the island. 

Today I had my friend over who sat and read excerpts from a book he is writing. It's a lost art: reading to someone. He was also one who cared for my mother for a long time when she was declining. He said that I 'sounded like <my> mother' when I spoke. I took that as a compliment . My mother had a wonderful voice; she was strong-willed, but soft spoken, very feminine when you heard her over the phone, but she could deck you if she so chose! 

It's taken me a few days to adjust to being at home with the kids, organizing my day: planning how I want to do my workout, checking in with my clients, finding fun time with the kids, preparing healthy meals, staying in touch with my coaches, working on my AFAA certification course, reading my personal development...building my business...

I do feel enormous joy working from home. I am waking up with so much promise to the day. I set up a 'home office' using my grandmother's antique fold-out desk. 

It's not without its challenges. Today I had to tell my daughter she couldn't get something in town because there literally wasn't any money in our account. I used money a friend owed me and a gift certificate to buy food. We'll get paid next Friday, so sometimes it'll be tight. Honestly it's giving me a kick in the butt to stay laser focussed on what I need to do and to remember to have faith and keep giving back. When I have done that,  I find the universe pays me back two-fold. 

I'm enjoying also reconnecting with those in my community-like returning to a larger "family". I've already had an epic fail with my fireplace, since I realized all the wood is not seasoned. Duh! We have a lot, but we weren't there often enough to remember to get the wood off the ground and covered, so my husband and I have our work cut out for us. My neighbor was kind enough to share some split logs and kindling for at least one or two days. 

I'm getting used to keeping the temperature down so we save money on oil. We're just throwing on extra sweaters :) I am grateful to NOT have a hot living room any longer for working out. That used to drive me nuts in the city because we had no control over the heat. It's such a difference being able to sweat and stay cooled. I'm finding my workouts are going much better. I'm maxing out at a later time. 

I'm getting back to my roots in cooking as well. I've started making my own bread, humus, guacamole, almond milk, and excited to see what will be on my menu next week. 

In just 4 days of eating clean and balanced (before life got crazy with moving and work) I'm feeling amazing! I dropped just a few pesky pounds I had gained from grazing over the stress of packing up the city apartment. I am still astounded at how the program helps me stay connected to my SELF- how it steadies me, and even when I fall off it's simplistic beauty is right there waiting. There are no proper words to do it justice. 

My daughter said today 'I love being home with you. Can we stay together forever?'

'Yes, we can.' 

~Jedi 

What is your LEGACY?

Blog Feb 24

This morning I was recalling the first week I started my healthy eating and exercise program. I'm gonna let it all hang out (as it was by the way!) and share some of those thoughts.

It's been said, "Confusion is what happens just before you understand." That is how I was the first few days I was doing PiYo and 21 Day Fix. 

My coach told me to read over my booklet, but did I do it ? No! I didn't even understand that the PiYo package had a calendar, and I was supposed to follow that. I flew by the seat of my pants those first days, grabbing some meal ideas from my friends who were on it in the group, and probably IMed my coach several times that week. 

But the good news is that by asking lots of questions in my group, I learned! I expanded my arsenal. I finally figured out the benefit of writing down my meals, and using the Beachbody website as a source for interesting meals too. 

I enjoyed seeing my fitness friends (new and old) accomplishing their mini-goals. I clung to those pictures. I clapped. I hooted when someone announced they had broken their plateau. I cheered when they had dropped their 1st five pounds or that 1st inch, or even a milestone of 60 lbs, or 100. 

I had no expectation going in. In fact I "assumed" it would not work, but I had nothing to lose. And heck, I'm innately social. I was banking on a miracle. 

All I knew was that I decided I was tired of worrying about my thyroid. I was exhausted from stress.  I was sick of feeling bloated and getting nowhere. My stomach has seriously been bloated probably my whole life. My mother always had it too. I just assumed it was some hereditary issue. I had so many pants that were getting tight and looked 'silly'. Who wants to wear a big sweater, so you can hide the unbuttoned button or undone snap?

I was falling asleep midday and slamming coffees with half and half. I'd try eating salads for a few days, but then I'd eat a huge pasta Alfredo. My husband and I would pop chocolate in the evening after dinner. I'd drink water every once in a while, but not nearly as much as I do now.  We'd have wine on the weekend. Neither of us were really working out. He'd go mountain biking once a month. Ok, so? 

He had a gym membership that he used 4 times in one year. I was doing yoga 1 day a week for 1 hour. That's it. I could barely squeeze that it. I enjoyed it, but it wasn't necessarily 'helping' me to feel healthy or drop this weight. It did calm me a little for work on the day I did it, so I hung onto it. 

No matter what I did I didn't drop a single pound. 4 years after having my daughter, same weight post breastfeeding. Not "overweight," surely. But not toned, not healthy, not solid, not slim. Just 'not overweight' and fortunately 'tall'.

In fact when I hit 40, as the books would predict, maniacal laugh, I saw a few pounds even go up. Then I just said "$&@? This must be how it happens. This is what my mother used to say." Keep in mind my mother was always overweight. At her worst she was about 250, and had to shop in the larger section for full-bodied women (her phrase).

So one day this Sept when I realized I would not have my mother anymore in the future, (I sensed the end was coming), I just said to myself:

 "Do you want to gamble?" 

"Will you just be complacent and let either Parkinson's or perhaps colon cancer take you at some point"? "Will you be ok with leaving behind to your children just an ordinary history?" 

"Will they eat unhealthy?" 

"Who will guide them?" 

"What kind of model are you?" 

"What is your legacy beyond your 'work'?" 

That's right. I'm successful already. I've achieved so much professionally, but that pales in comparison to my health. Wouldn't you agree? 

My mom is gone. I want to leave a health legacy. A 'me' who is around for a long time, so I decided to take a leap and change it. 

And so began my week #1 of confusion before I understood :)

Tall Girls Carry It Well

Tall Girl Fitness

You've heard it all:

'You're so tall and beautiful' (by the way, notice how the 'tall' adjective always comes first)

'Did you play basketball in school?' (Nope, can't dribble to save my life)

'You carry yourself so well' (As opposed to what? Did you expect me to be bent over from the weight?) 

'You must be able to reach things easily?' (Yea, like that 2 year old matzoh hidden in the upper reaches of our kitchen cabinets)

'Is your husband tall too'? (No, I decided to marry a little person)

'That's not fair, you have more plank leverage ' (in regards to working out- yea, but you can crunch better with your tiny torso!)

'Are you a model?' (No, but I play one on TV?')

'How do you find shoes?' (You don't; can you say #catalogshopwhore

Here are some of the issues I've encountered with being a fit tall one:

I love how when I show my before and after picture to people they are impressed and happy for me of course, but then there's always that one person who asks 'Why did you lose weight? You were thin before.' 

I feel like responding 'yes when you're the size of an Amazon, you tend to take up more space vertically, so your eye focuses on that - it's like one of those Las Vegas illusionist shows. ' 

If you stick a tall 40 year old 15-20 lb overweight women next to a tiny 40 year old 5' 0" 20 lb overweight woman, the pixie will be able to get away with far less! Sorry ladies. 

Maybe that's what they meant by saying 'you carry yourself well' but it should be you carry your BODY FAT well. Can you imagine someone saying that? 

Also at my height who's able to see my shaking, undeveloped biceps anyway. You can't even see my little breasts which are desperately saying 'no, no weight loss please!!' You're only at the level of staring straight ahead into my soft ab-less torso. 

All I had to do was throw on some tight size 12 jeans and hide the unbuttoned button/zipper with a lose fitted shirt, and throw on some heels and dang, all they saw was LEG. Take a pixie with cottage cheese legs and stretch her out like on stilts and see what you get ! Illusionist! 

So yes, tall overweight girls have it in the bag. Oh, we work those tricks because we have the advantage of always looking down on you. 

But that doesn't change how we feel about ourselves confidence wise. 

Tall girls can't 'borrow' friends clothes when they gain OR lose weight. And then friends wonder why I saved all these outfits that didn't fit in hopes of getting back my 'high school body' back. One pant leg would be like a Capri - come on! 

My high school body . Ah! The 'only' aspect I loved about being tall and slender in school. Why?

Tall girls get picked last in gym class teams. 

Tall girls don't get asked to the prom

Tall girls have to always stand in the back

Tall girls don't try out for cheerleading (who can lift them?)

Tall girls can order at the bar though I guess, but that might explain the cottage cheese 20 years later! Darn. 

So in short when someone asks me why I lost weight I say 'because I grew tired of staring down at you.'

~Jedi

(P.S. That is my grandfather in the photo. Now you know where I get the 'verticality' from)

Growth From the Inside

Learning to be friendly

I would venture to guess that if I surveyed my friends, asking them if they judged me to be a warm, friendly person or rather an unfriendly , withdrawn individual, they'd pick the former. Am I right friends? But then I pondered whether my behavior with those who already 'know' me is a worthy measure . How about those who don't know me yet ? A stranger on the subway, the person ahead of me on the checkout line, the elevator operator at my home subway station , or my new client who didn't get the privilege of growing up with me, who doesn't know a thing about me except for that I promise to deliver, to lead them to a healthier body and mind. 

Just to be transparent I am by nature an introvert. But I adore people. I just need to take it in doses and when I reach my maximum, those who know me well , know I will retreat to a quiet corner and 'think'. Oh I am the master introspection queen! That might explain how I survived my PhD program. 

I love to think, examine, ponder, create, and dream. I am the silent toiler. In for the long haul. I enjoy listening to others and gathering a gestalt view of who they are. Because I see the goodness in so many of those I encounter. At gatherings and parties, I don't mind being the ring master and gathering the troops , and I'll do that with flair, but then like a classic introvert , I need to rest and reflect. 

So back to how I 'appear' to others who do not yet know me. I have become very in tune with how much more frequently and with genuine warmth I have started to have conversations with people, to smile more, to inquire of others with no particular agenda at all, but to simply show care for another. I can actually 'feel' myself being more friendly and open. And I find this shocking because I assumed I was like this all the time. 

The master introspect-er has in fact met her match: me. 

I believe she has even learned to grow. The more open I become, the more I want to lead and to think this all started with just a small investment : the cost of little more than a month's worth of coffee and muffins . 

This morning I had a lovely conversation with a young man on the subway. He didn't know me. But I made him smile, rather than frown. 

~Jedi