Value

There was a time in my 20s when I thought having a dozen friends was a sign you 'were' somebody. I can clearly remember putting up with friends for example who would rarely come to visit me, or always forget my birthday, or how about this: only come to me for guidance and stress reduction, but never offer a kind word, their ear, or shoulder when I needed it. And I kept making the effort to help them because I thought 'that' kind of giving and extending would translate to some value they would see in me, and from that, change. 

Oh no. 

That is so not how this game of life works. That is not the kind of giving and receiving we need to be a part of at all. 

I decided I would give value to those who expressed kindness and honesty (even if it hurt - that's ok), and gave back to me in whatever small way they could. I never measured that return. But those who belittled me, or violated my trust, or were unwilling to 'see', had to go. 

You get to a certain point where you just realize you have a right to 'be' and do not exist for the disposal of others. 

#mondaymatters

Don't stop dreaming !

Today I did a very fun activity using my phone as well as my hands - the tangible - the love that goes into making something is really important and key to making what you want happen. I created a dream board this evening with all the things I want to accomplish this year of 2016.  

Some of these images represent business goals as a entrepreneur & wellness coach and some pertain to just sheer joyful activities I will get from having accomplished those goals. I shared this with my inner circle of coaches - a group of bad-asses like I am, who set goals and do them! We make sure we know 'why' we are choosing them, how we feel doing them, and how we will execute. 

 

I actually had made a vision board last year when I had only been a coach for one month. I had little idea what I was getting into, but my own mentor said,  'make it'. Wouldn't you know it? All of the things put down came true. 

So here I am again and oh man! Do I have some big dreams this year! And I won't settle for the mediocre. 

I did that for too many years- being cautious , always going the middle road, not standing out too much. 

At 41, there are things I want to enjoy and I'm going to make sure my daily activities point with a huge arrow towards those. 

When was the last time you listened to your heart about what you want to enjoy? Do you even know or bother ? I bet you have stopped. Why? 

There is something so innate and healthy about dreaming. Children do it of course and often young adults. But somewhere along the line, we kill it. You know what disappears with dreaming ? Our creative juices. They are stirred when we dream . 

I ask you to take some time today to continue dreaming. Make a dream board with me . 

I would love to see it too. 

~Jedi 

Welcome to a New Year

I had stopped writing in my blog when I was over in Moscow this summer. I think just being abroad and all the pressures of  dealing with time zone change and a foreign system had me overwhelmed. I'm back though.  

Hopefully someone out there is happy to see the Jedi blogging again. I tell ya what... I'm gonna hold myself to it. 

So many people 'begin' the new year disgusted at what they didn't accomplish. If I could say one thing to you, I would share this:

Don't be like everyone else. Don't start another year today promising yourself something is going to be different. It will only be different IF you make it so. You. 

I stuck out one (1) solid year of 2015 on exercising and eating right. At times I'm asking myself 'How did I pull this off?' Because it was not a cake walk - no pun on those sugars, haha. 

It means so much more that I can look at the difference I see in me over one year. I hope that for you too. To be able to revel in this moment when you can say you stuck to something because YOU wanted it for yourself - not that someone forced it on you. 

I think the best laid plans come from when you want it just for no other reason than you decided to dream and came up with that very dream: to feel better about yourself. (Or whatever it may be)

Can you listen to yourself ? No frills, no fancy, no fuss and just shut up for once? What is your SELF trying to say to you? 

We are constantly ignoring 'us'. 

We say 'shut up'. 

We say 'you shouldn't be thinking that ... feeling that.'

Just shut up for once. Will ya? Listen, already! 

Choices

Was just thinking that every day we are faced with so many choices . And I never used to be one to give much thought to some of these . I guess because I was always running around like a chicken with its head off haha... Now that I have more time, I'm giving more attention to how I actually go about 'making' decisions - how my days unfold and what patterns I'm seeing. I was saying last night to my teammate Heather, that I've never done as much introspection as I do now as a Coach. And not to say I wasn't doing some before - I was a product of the Life Development Center, of course, and always had a love of spirituality and psychology, but something about being an entrepreneur and knowing I am either going to succeed or fail at my own hand, drives me more to want to be the best I can. When you work for someone else, there's perhaps a comfort cushion to rest on, assuming all things equal, that you can not self develop and your company or establishment will still welcome you back the next day with a pat. But in business, your resonance is unrestrained. It is just oozing off of you daily and it affects everything - from family, self to everyone you touch with your products so you get only daily shots to get it right  . make every investment count! 

Recovery from Bulimia and Anorexia

Feeling worthless for me was called Anorexia and Bulimia. I had both, in sick combo. I remember where I was when I took my last purge: in Canada, August, when I was 21. The shower was typically where I would like to do it, just another way of being alone. I watched half-digested food circle in the drain, and I knew that was it. 

I don't know why I didn't value myself. Growing up, I had several cherished friends, great parents, but I generally felt uncomfortable, and fearful. Being an abnormally tall girl with a speech impediment didn't exactly help self-esteem. You'll see what you 'want' to see, but that photo on the right is a very troubled young woman. Paper-doll arms with a big head. Even though I stopped bulimia, I continued to never enjoy food right up until my mid-30s. It was always something to be suspicious of, analyzed, dissected, or dominated. 

"Recovery" means you are always checking the demon in the shadows. It's sad that one of the first thoughts that went through my mind when my coach suggested "I" become a coach was "I didn't lose enough. They'll just say I was skinny before." 

Well, guess what? I've had dozens say that since! It doesn't phase me. I laugh off every ridiculous judgement made about me and other non-obese women I have helped learn to eat and be "strong". 

I coach everyone, but there is a special place in my heart for those who come to me with serious food addictions or histories. For them small victories are getting a shake down, swallowing a certain texture food, taking a selfie of their bodies, or getting through just ONE day without binging. 

I see you. You're the person thinking "they'll wonder why I want to become a member." No, I won't. Because that unhealthy, unfit, unworthy, unenjoyable woman is living FULL OUT on the left, and I won't be silent anymore. I am gonna stand tall beside you! #nomorefear #fullout #strongisthenewskinny #dontjudge 

Signs of responsibility

It's one of those uncomfortable, do-we-really-have-to-talk-about-it topics; it's messy; it's time consuming; it's not fun. It makes you feel your age. But doing a health care proxy, POA, and a will is being responsible and showing your love for your children, making their future secure. It's respect for your self and spouse. Happy to say we are resting easy now. And no joke as we went to sign, we first happened to look across the parking lot. There was a white Buick exactly like my mother's. It was a little too shady to see clearly who was in it - or whether it was in fact occupied, but Dmitri said 'It's your Mom. She is sitting, waiting to make sure all is ok.' 

Memories come at the weirdest times

Was at the Library the other day getting a book for my daughter. There was someone new working - probably a summer intern. She had to look up our information using our home number. My home number is now the same as the house I grew up since I moved back into it. 

She said 'Regina?' 

Can't tell you how fast a lump materialized out of nowhere in my throat. Thought I could choke on my own spit. A minute before I was perfectly fine. I had to say that, yes, that's us, but that my mother had died in December. 

She eventually found me and my husband in the system. But then she said something about shutting down my mom's account, since it had been inactive from about 2012.

 I felt like an ass, but I just stood there frozen. I wanted to let the words spill out of 'please, don't cancel the account'. I felt that if she canceled it, it would then be real. How could she not walk in here again? She loved the library so much. She was a Literacy Volunteer. My mom who had the balls to write to William Safire, the great grammarian and challenge something he printed once. Did you know he sent her a handwritten response.  I guess she was 'that' kind of lady. One whose library card never expires. 

All I could do was nod.