Signs of responsibility

It's one of those uncomfortable, do-we-really-have-to-talk-about-it topics; it's messy; it's time consuming; it's not fun. It makes you feel your age. But doing a health care proxy, POA, and a will is being responsible and showing your love for your children, making their future secure. It's respect for your self and spouse. Happy to say we are resting easy now. And no joke as we went to sign, we first happened to look across the parking lot. There was a white Buick exactly like my mother's. It was a little too shady to see clearly who was in it - or whether it was in fact occupied, but Dmitri said 'It's your Mom. She is sitting, waiting to make sure all is ok.' 

Memories come at the weirdest times

Was at the Library the other day getting a book for my daughter. There was someone new working - probably a summer intern. She had to look up our information using our home number. My home number is now the same as the house I grew up since I moved back into it. 

She said 'Regina?' 

Can't tell you how fast a lump materialized out of nowhere in my throat. Thought I could choke on my own spit. A minute before I was perfectly fine. I had to say that, yes, that's us, but that my mother had died in December. 

She eventually found me and my husband in the system. But then she said something about shutting down my mom's account, since it had been inactive from about 2012.

 I felt like an ass, but I just stood there frozen. I wanted to let the words spill out of 'please, don't cancel the account'. I felt that if she canceled it, it would then be real. How could she not walk in here again? She loved the library so much. She was a Literacy Volunteer. My mom who had the balls to write to William Safire, the great grammarian and challenge something he printed once. Did you know he sent her a handwritten response.  I guess she was 'that' kind of lady. One whose library card never expires. 

All I could do was nod. 

Dump the shame now!

I'm not at all shocked by the amount of shame I see many of my clients attach to their lives. Everyone's worried about being judged. Misuse of food is just the tip of a deep iceberg. Coaches are the least judgmental. We've been there.  If you want to talk 'shame', you're gonna have to get in line:

I grew up a stutterer. This is a picture of my childhood friend Stephanie. I'll never forget watching her walk down the hall at school and wanting to call out to her, but I couldn't. I had to let her walk on. I cried because that day for whatever reason complex onsets just weren't happening. Next day it could be that 'n' wouldn't come, or perhaps 'b'. If it was a good day, I could order at a restaurant myself. Bad day? My parents had to order FOR me. How shameful is circumventing the word you want to say because you can't? Hating the telephone. Never trying out for theater. Only raising my hand in class 'if' it was a 'good syllable' day. All those thoughts unsaid. 

Then why on earth become a professor? An interpreter? Talk about 'on stage'!

After years of therapy, I decided no more hiding. I was not gonna let my mouth be my prison. 

So please: dump the shame now. Speak. For your SELF. No one else will. 

Why don't we deserve good?

I've always had a hard time 'rewarding' myself. Whenever I got recognized for something public-professional, I would want to get it over with quickly, and just go back to my toil. 

Give me the plaque...Thank you for the cake...Now can we go? Kind of a 'put your nose down and work' mentality.  Modesty and humility at all times. 

Don't misinterpret: there's merit in that. I'm somebody who gets the job done. And yes, the introvert sometimes leads a life of 'quiet desperation. '

So I've identified that it's in my nature to love the struggle. Toiling is 'safe'. I still get very uncomfortable having someone be good to me or being good to myself. I'll sacrifice so someone else can get a shirt, or I'll skip the <fill in> for dinner if someone else can enjoy it, if we don't have enough to go around -that sort of behavior. It's something I want to change. 

(And yes, these sports clothes I bought for myself, and I'm not returning them. I'm going to enjoy wearing them doing what I love) #mindset #knowyourself #treat4me

Who's really derailing you?

Don't be this girl. Please. I got news of a very ugly nature this week, and this Jedi is gonna have to dig deep once again (Will I ever get a break?) . I sat for about 30 minutes today quietly then happened to be texting with a member of my fitness group Beat the Boss . I want to speak to all of you to remind you that stressors are going to continually come up. Life is going to keep throwing them at you. If one thing this program has taught me, it is to re-focus, to fall back on exercise and fueling up my body clean, so that I'm 'well prepared'. If you let every little crisis grab you, and you inhale half the fridge or miss your shake, or stop exercising because of it, then you're not really loving yourself, are you? You're getting in your own way. You're derailing YOU. Today I just embraced the fear instead of fighting it. I sat and took stock of all my groups, my kids, my team, my husband and I just keep saying to myself 'I am only moving forward.' Only YOU are stopping you

Half Full or Half Empty?

Last Saturday I was in Peconic Bay Medical Center for my CPR/AED course. Some of us had arrived early and got seated to receive our materials. I was really excited to be doing this class and to meet some new people while at it. I came in, shook hands, smiled, struck up a short conversation with a woman who was here because just as recently as March, her father had fell over in the yard and she had tried to administer chest compressions without success. She wanted to do better next time if she was called upon to save someone. How valiant ❤️.

There was another woman with a seriously sour expression on her face. Apparently she had not gotten the message that the course was going to start at 9:00am instead of 8:00am. She continued on about how inconvenient this was and how she had been sitting here waiting with nothing to do for over an hour. The nurse was apologetic, but she just barreled ahead with how the hospital should have this... Or should have that... And reiterated how she only got the notification at such and such time...You could tell the nurse really felt bad, but wanted to get past this. 

I'm using this as a case in point. There was a time in my life where I could have easily been 'that' sour faced complainer, looking at the glass half empty, putting a negative spin, pointing out how so-and-so didn't do their job right, just enjoying being miserable. Those days are gone. 

You would be amazed how entering a situation with a smile, looking at crisis or inconvenience as an "opportunity" can be rewarding to your soul. She missed the chance to learn this lady's story, to see her goodness, to be 'open' to making a new acquaintance in that extra hour she was given by mistake. 

We exchanged business cards and hope to keep in touch... Regardless, we listened and we learned. #breadcrumbs #beopen #followyourSELF #attitudeiseverything 

Jedi Chronicles Day 7-9

What does it mean to be courageous? 

There's nothing wrong with being a cautious individual.  There is a classic saying: "men plan and G-d laughs." My parents taught me that planning carefully is wise and in fact helps you be prepared for bumps in the road. The road blocks will always come. It's simply a matter of seeing that being blocked is only a temporary rest to let you reflect to build a better strategy out! 

I don't want people reading this to get the idea that caution, or lack thereof, has to be equated to being courageous. These are two separate qualities. I'm someone who drives cautiously. It takes me a long time typically to 'shift' gears in my life path. But when I do shift, I do it hard. You might ask 'what makes you do that?' Looking back I've taken action in this manner very similarly. When I smoked in my early 20s, I eventually  learned that it was illogical for someone with asthma to smoke. How can you take a inhaler shot before you take a drag? Well, that right there seemed illogical to me. I decided to leave smoking to my friends who didn't have asthma. They could smoke enough for the two of us. But I didn't sign up for a pill or a patch, I said 'I need to do it myself so I can say 'I' did it." I didn't want to be beholden to someone or something.  

When I struggled with bulimia in my 20s too, I remember vividly standing in the shower vomiting and something came over me. I said again 'this makes no sense' . 'Why am I standing here?' That was the last day I did it. I fought with tenacity. But it came from asking questions. Somehow it stems from accepting what is imminently wrong with the situation and staring at it just to see if it makes sense. Then the second aspect is knowing if 'I' can do it, I won't have to let someone else take control. Some professional out there I suppose could say that wanting that level of control could be negative too, but I'll argue that it's the lesser of the two evils. If I had not taken that moment to let the feeling wash over me completely and seen either the logic or illogicality of it, my inertia or comfort level would simply have kept me in the same state. 

So back to courage. 

Courage is a choice obviously. I don't believe it has to be inherent. I have seen friends build it, grow into it. It does not mean you are without fear. It's in fact the opposite. Courage is when you ARE afraid, but you push through regardless. . It means to show strength even during great pain or grief. You don't have to shed the fear. You can wear it without shame. We are all afraid. 

We are afraid of being judged. 

We are afraid of failing.

We are afraid of being rejected. 

We are afraid of having pain.

We are afraid of losing comfort. 

We are afraid of making a mistake. 

We are afraid of disappointing others. 

But if you examine more closely all of these above, they still come down to the same source: fear of pain (physical or psychological) 

In my own situation I was faced with pain. I'm still in pain now. I am afraid now. But I opted to take my fear with me on the journey. 

I buried my mother. I was faced with not having enough money to support keeping the roof over my family and basics in their lifestyle. I was faced with impending health issues and a feeling of despair and ugliness in my 'being'. I don't mean physical ugliness, but actual violence potential - violence of the body and mind. My own destructive natural force. Whether you shovel food down, or cigarettes, or money, or whatever your destruction of choice is, you still are running from the fear of pain. 

So when I say courage is not inherent, I mean that wholeheartedly. 

These days I am choosing a natural healthy pain to 'embrace' and focus on, something that fills me with purpose and clarity. 

When I shout out to others to come join me, I am asking you to evaluate the logic or illogicality of your current state. I'm asking you to take your pain and keep it, but move forward. I'm not interested in perfect beings. I want someone who can fail and show me how, so I perhaps won't go that same route. I want all the vulnerability. I want to embrace all your wrongdoings and for you to do the same for me. I'm asking for you to show me that fear, so I can show you mine. 

That is how courage works in this business of living.