Choices

Was just thinking that every day we are faced with so many choices . And I never used to be one to give much thought to some of these . I guess because I was always running around like a chicken with its head off haha... Now that I have more time, I'm giving more attention to how I actually go about 'making' decisions - how my days unfold and what patterns I'm seeing. I was saying last night to my teammate Heather, that I've never done as much introspection as I do now as a Coach. And not to say I wasn't doing some before - I was a product of the Life Development Center, of course, and always had a love of spirituality and psychology, but something about being an entrepreneur and knowing I am either going to succeed or fail at my own hand, drives me more to want to be the best I can. When you work for someone else, there's perhaps a comfort cushion to rest on, assuming all things equal, that you can not self develop and your company or establishment will still welcome you back the next day with a pat. But in business, your resonance is unrestrained. It is just oozing off of you daily and it affects everything - from family, self to everyone you touch with your products so you get only daily shots to get it right  . make every investment count! 

Recovery from Bulimia and Anorexia

Feeling worthless for me was called Anorexia and Bulimia. I had both, in sick combo. I remember where I was when I took my last purge: in Canada, August, when I was 21. The shower was typically where I would like to do it, just another way of being alone. I watched half-digested food circle in the drain, and I knew that was it. 

I don't know why I didn't value myself. Growing up, I had several cherished friends, great parents, but I generally felt uncomfortable, and fearful. Being an abnormally tall girl with a speech impediment didn't exactly help self-esteem. You'll see what you 'want' to see, but that photo on the right is a very troubled young woman. Paper-doll arms with a big head. Even though I stopped bulimia, I continued to never enjoy food right up until my mid-30s. It was always something to be suspicious of, analyzed, dissected, or dominated. 

"Recovery" means you are always checking the demon in the shadows. It's sad that one of the first thoughts that went through my mind when my coach suggested "I" become a coach was "I didn't lose enough. They'll just say I was skinny before." 

Well, guess what? I've had dozens say that since! It doesn't phase me. I laugh off every ridiculous judgement made about me and other non-obese women I have helped learn to eat and be "strong". 

I coach everyone, but there is a special place in my heart for those who come to me with serious food addictions or histories. For them small victories are getting a shake down, swallowing a certain texture food, taking a selfie of their bodies, or getting through just ONE day without binging. 

I see you. You're the person thinking "they'll wonder why I want to become a member." No, I won't. Because that unhealthy, unfit, unworthy, unenjoyable woman is living FULL OUT on the left, and I won't be silent anymore. I am gonna stand tall beside you! #nomorefear #fullout #strongisthenewskinny #dontjudge 

Signs of responsibility

It's one of those uncomfortable, do-we-really-have-to-talk-about-it topics; it's messy; it's time consuming; it's not fun. It makes you feel your age. But doing a health care proxy, POA, and a will is being responsible and showing your love for your children, making their future secure. It's respect for your self and spouse. Happy to say we are resting easy now. And no joke as we went to sign, we first happened to look across the parking lot. There was a white Buick exactly like my mother's. It was a little too shady to see clearly who was in it - or whether it was in fact occupied, but Dmitri said 'It's your Mom. She is sitting, waiting to make sure all is ok.' 

Memories come at the weirdest times

Was at the Library the other day getting a book for my daughter. There was someone new working - probably a summer intern. She had to look up our information using our home number. My home number is now the same as the house I grew up since I moved back into it. 

She said 'Regina?' 

Can't tell you how fast a lump materialized out of nowhere in my throat. Thought I could choke on my own spit. A minute before I was perfectly fine. I had to say that, yes, that's us, but that my mother had died in December. 

She eventually found me and my husband in the system. But then she said something about shutting down my mom's account, since it had been inactive from about 2012.

 I felt like an ass, but I just stood there frozen. I wanted to let the words spill out of 'please, don't cancel the account'. I felt that if she canceled it, it would then be real. How could she not walk in here again? She loved the library so much. She was a Literacy Volunteer. My mom who had the balls to write to William Safire, the great grammarian and challenge something he printed once. Did you know he sent her a handwritten response.  I guess she was 'that' kind of lady. One whose library card never expires. 

All I could do was nod. 

Dump the shame now!

I'm not at all shocked by the amount of shame I see many of my clients attach to their lives. Everyone's worried about being judged. Misuse of food is just the tip of a deep iceberg. Coaches are the least judgmental. We've been there.  If you want to talk 'shame', you're gonna have to get in line:

I grew up a stutterer. This is a picture of my childhood friend Stephanie. I'll never forget watching her walk down the hall at school and wanting to call out to her, but I couldn't. I had to let her walk on. I cried because that day for whatever reason complex onsets just weren't happening. Next day it could be that 'n' wouldn't come, or perhaps 'b'. If it was a good day, I could order at a restaurant myself. Bad day? My parents had to order FOR me. How shameful is circumventing the word you want to say because you can't? Hating the telephone. Never trying out for theater. Only raising my hand in class 'if' it was a 'good syllable' day. All those thoughts unsaid. 

Then why on earth become a professor? An interpreter? Talk about 'on stage'!

After years of therapy, I decided no more hiding. I was not gonna let my mouth be my prison. 

So please: dump the shame now. Speak. For your SELF. No one else will. 

Why don't we deserve good?

I've always had a hard time 'rewarding' myself. Whenever I got recognized for something public-professional, I would want to get it over with quickly, and just go back to my toil. 

Give me the plaque...Thank you for the cake...Now can we go? Kind of a 'put your nose down and work' mentality.  Modesty and humility at all times. 

Don't misinterpret: there's merit in that. I'm somebody who gets the job done. And yes, the introvert sometimes leads a life of 'quiet desperation. '

So I've identified that it's in my nature to love the struggle. Toiling is 'safe'. I still get very uncomfortable having someone be good to me or being good to myself. I'll sacrifice so someone else can get a shirt, or I'll skip the <fill in> for dinner if someone else can enjoy it, if we don't have enough to go around -that sort of behavior. It's something I want to change. 

(And yes, these sports clothes I bought for myself, and I'm not returning them. I'm going to enjoy wearing them doing what I love) #mindset #knowyourself #treat4me

Who's really derailing you?

Don't be this girl. Please. I got news of a very ugly nature this week, and this Jedi is gonna have to dig deep once again (Will I ever get a break?) . I sat for about 30 minutes today quietly then happened to be texting with a member of my fitness group Beat the Boss . I want to speak to all of you to remind you that stressors are going to continually come up. Life is going to keep throwing them at you. If one thing this program has taught me, it is to re-focus, to fall back on exercise and fueling up my body clean, so that I'm 'well prepared'. If you let every little crisis grab you, and you inhale half the fridge or miss your shake, or stop exercising because of it, then you're not really loving yourself, are you? You're getting in your own way. You're derailing YOU. Today I just embraced the fear instead of fighting it. I sat and took stock of all my groups, my kids, my team, my husband and I just keep saying to myself 'I am only moving forward.' Only YOU are stopping you