Half Full or Half Empty?

Last Saturday I was in Peconic Bay Medical Center for my CPR/AED course. Some of us had arrived early and got seated to receive our materials. I was really excited to be doing this class and to meet some new people while at it. I came in, shook hands, smiled, struck up a short conversation with a woman who was here because just as recently as March, her father had fell over in the yard and she had tried to administer chest compressions without success. She wanted to do better next time if she was called upon to save someone. How valiant ❤️.

There was another woman with a seriously sour expression on her face. Apparently she had not gotten the message that the course was going to start at 9:00am instead of 8:00am. She continued on about how inconvenient this was and how she had been sitting here waiting with nothing to do for over an hour. The nurse was apologetic, but she just barreled ahead with how the hospital should have this... Or should have that... And reiterated how she only got the notification at such and such time...You could tell the nurse really felt bad, but wanted to get past this. 

I'm using this as a case in point. There was a time in my life where I could have easily been 'that' sour faced complainer, looking at the glass half empty, putting a negative spin, pointing out how so-and-so didn't do their job right, just enjoying being miserable. Those days are gone. 

You would be amazed how entering a situation with a smile, looking at crisis or inconvenience as an "opportunity" can be rewarding to your soul. She missed the chance to learn this lady's story, to see her goodness, to be 'open' to making a new acquaintance in that extra hour she was given by mistake. 

We exchanged business cards and hope to keep in touch... Regardless, we listened and we learned. #breadcrumbs #beopen #followyourSELF #attitudeiseverything 

Jedi Chronicles Day 7-9

What does it mean to be courageous? 

There's nothing wrong with being a cautious individual.  There is a classic saying: "men plan and G-d laughs." My parents taught me that planning carefully is wise and in fact helps you be prepared for bumps in the road. The road blocks will always come. It's simply a matter of seeing that being blocked is only a temporary rest to let you reflect to build a better strategy out! 

I don't want people reading this to get the idea that caution, or lack thereof, has to be equated to being courageous. These are two separate qualities. I'm someone who drives cautiously. It takes me a long time typically to 'shift' gears in my life path. But when I do shift, I do it hard. You might ask 'what makes you do that?' Looking back I've taken action in this manner very similarly. When I smoked in my early 20s, I eventually  learned that it was illogical for someone with asthma to smoke. How can you take a inhaler shot before you take a drag? Well, that right there seemed illogical to me. I decided to leave smoking to my friends who didn't have asthma. They could smoke enough for the two of us. But I didn't sign up for a pill or a patch, I said 'I need to do it myself so I can say 'I' did it." I didn't want to be beholden to someone or something.  

When I struggled with bulimia in my 20s too, I remember vividly standing in the shower vomiting and something came over me. I said again 'this makes no sense' . 'Why am I standing here?' That was the last day I did it. I fought with tenacity. But it came from asking questions. Somehow it stems from accepting what is imminently wrong with the situation and staring at it just to see if it makes sense. Then the second aspect is knowing if 'I' can do it, I won't have to let someone else take control. Some professional out there I suppose could say that wanting that level of control could be negative too, but I'll argue that it's the lesser of the two evils. If I had not taken that moment to let the feeling wash over me completely and seen either the logic or illogicality of it, my inertia or comfort level would simply have kept me in the same state. 

So back to courage. 

Courage is a choice obviously. I don't believe it has to be inherent. I have seen friends build it, grow into it. It does not mean you are without fear. It's in fact the opposite. Courage is when you ARE afraid, but you push through regardless. . It means to show strength even during great pain or grief. You don't have to shed the fear. You can wear it without shame. We are all afraid. 

We are afraid of being judged. 

We are afraid of failing.

We are afraid of being rejected. 

We are afraid of having pain.

We are afraid of losing comfort. 

We are afraid of making a mistake. 

We are afraid of disappointing others. 

But if you examine more closely all of these above, they still come down to the same source: fear of pain (physical or psychological) 

In my own situation I was faced with pain. I'm still in pain now. I am afraid now. But I opted to take my fear with me on the journey. 

I buried my mother. I was faced with not having enough money to support keeping the roof over my family and basics in their lifestyle. I was faced with impending health issues and a feeling of despair and ugliness in my 'being'. I don't mean physical ugliness, but actual violence potential - violence of the body and mind. My own destructive natural force. Whether you shovel food down, or cigarettes, or money, or whatever your destruction of choice is, you still are running from the fear of pain. 

So when I say courage is not inherent, I mean that wholeheartedly. 

These days I am choosing a natural healthy pain to 'embrace' and focus on, something that fills me with purpose and clarity. 

When I shout out to others to come join me, I am asking you to evaluate the logic or illogicality of your current state. I'm asking you to take your pain and keep it, but move forward. I'm not interested in perfect beings. I want someone who can fail and show me how, so I perhaps won't go that same route. I want all the vulnerability. I want to embrace all your wrongdoings and for you to do the same for me. I'm asking for you to show me that fear, so I can show you mine. 

That is how courage works in this business of living. 

Jedi Chronicles Day 1-4

Day 1-4 of the Rest of My New Life:

Let me start by saying it was a surreal moment when I arrived to the ferry and realized I was truly 'home'. I envisioned my parents waiting at the door as they used to, either waving goodbye when I would depart or coming out to the stoop when I had arrived. That was the moment the tears came. It was an overwhelming emotion: they would not physically be there, just in spirit. Their spirits certainly are strong when I'm there. I feel it in the warmth and well wishes of friends and neighbors. I feel it when I stand and prepare meals at the same counter my mother did. She called it 'paradise', and had told me she never regretted a moment when she left her job to move out to the island. 

Today I had my friend over who sat and read excerpts from a book he is writing. It's a lost art: reading to someone. He was also one who cared for my mother for a long time when she was declining. He said that I 'sounded like <my> mother' when I spoke. I took that as a compliment . My mother had a wonderful voice; she was strong-willed, but soft spoken, very feminine when you heard her over the phone, but she could deck you if she so chose! 

It's taken me a few days to adjust to being at home with the kids, organizing my day: planning how I want to do my workout, checking in with my clients, finding fun time with the kids, preparing healthy meals, staying in touch with my coaches, working on my AFAA certification course, reading my personal development...building my business...

I do feel enormous joy working from home. I am waking up with so much promise to the day. I set up a 'home office' using my grandmother's antique fold-out desk. 

It's not without its challenges. Today I had to tell my daughter she couldn't get something in town because there literally wasn't any money in our account. I used money a friend owed me and a gift certificate to buy food. We'll get paid next Friday, so sometimes it'll be tight. Honestly it's giving me a kick in the butt to stay laser focussed on what I need to do and to remember to have faith and keep giving back. When I have done that,  I find the universe pays me back two-fold. 

I'm enjoying also reconnecting with those in my community-like returning to a larger "family". I've already had an epic fail with my fireplace, since I realized all the wood is not seasoned. Duh! We have a lot, but we weren't there often enough to remember to get the wood off the ground and covered, so my husband and I have our work cut out for us. My neighbor was kind enough to share some split logs and kindling for at least one or two days. 

I'm getting used to keeping the temperature down so we save money on oil. We're just throwing on extra sweaters :) I am grateful to NOT have a hot living room any longer for working out. That used to drive me nuts in the city because we had no control over the heat. It's such a difference being able to sweat and stay cooled. I'm finding my workouts are going much better. I'm maxing out at a later time. 

I'm getting back to my roots in cooking as well. I've started making my own bread, humus, guacamole, almond milk, and excited to see what will be on my menu next week. 

In just 4 days of eating clean and balanced (before life got crazy with moving and work) I'm feeling amazing! I dropped just a few pesky pounds I had gained from grazing over the stress of packing up the city apartment. I am still astounded at how the program helps me stay connected to my SELF- how it steadies me, and even when I fall off it's simplistic beauty is right there waiting. There are no proper words to do it justice. 

My daughter said today 'I love being home with you. Can we stay together forever?'

'Yes, we can.' 

~Jedi